Cutting straight to the point and not in any way expecting a pity party at all, but i've been having a really rubbish time in life since about October because i've been making a lot of silly mistakes and not really thinking about my actions or how they will affect me in the long run. But building up to now, it's all gotten a lot for me to handle to be honest and so I just need to speak about it because i feel that the first way for me personally to move on with it is to just accept that it's happened and learn from my mistakes.
Obviously i won't go into details about it all because i'm working on moving past it and obviously having all the in depth details on the internet forever is not the way to do that.
But basically i feel like i have been trying a lot to please other people around me rather than focusing on myself recently because i'm the type of person who hates it if other people don't like me or i feel like i'm disappointing someone. However you can't please everyone all at the same time and so obviously you are going to end up hurting people, its inevitable. But i've been looking for ways to make myself happy in completely the wrong way. I've been seeking comfort in all the wrong things, and yes, although it may feel good at the time, and you think you are happy, you're really not because at the end of the day, you're the one just trying to please and not remembering to look after yourself. And building up to all of this, i've been getting more and more upset, and with exam stress and uni applications piling up i've been trying to contain everything rather than speak about it. In the process i've pushed away those closest to me and others who are close to me have felt like they need to distance themselves because they don't know how to deal with it. Which i completely understand. Other people have their own problems and worries to deal with, and no matter how big or even insignificant they feel to you, they could be deeply affecting the other person. And so i've tried to make myself more aware of this and be more comforting to others, and i'm working on fixing these relationships and getting them back to where they were because these people in my life i appreciate so much and don't know how I would deal with all of this if i didn't have them and their support.
But I don't want this post to remain entirely negative, I want to list all the positive things I have in my life and be able to look back on this to hopefully see how far i've come, and i'm remaining optimistic.
1. I have good health. I am fit and young and healthy and able to do stuff that a lot of people, even my age, would not be able to do. I am thankful to be able to dance, and walk and run and express my feelings and I am happy that I can do all this with the people I love most.
2. I have such a loving community around me. The support I have from a number of people is overwhelming as I never felt like I had this many people who care about me. At times I feel incredibly alone in such a huge world and often feel like I have no one to turn to, but I need to remember there are so many people in my life who love, support and appreciate me and I need to remember that.
3. I am in a good position. Although I don't know exactly what I want to do after I have finished my a levels and left school this summer, I have so much time to decide and there are so many possibilities out there. All I can do is work hard in school and work hard for my a levels and then just wok out where to go from there. University is not the be all and end all, and if I don't and up there this year then thats ok. I still have my whole life ahead of me, i'm still so young.
Although this has been a rocky few months for me, I am working hard on feeling happier and taking care of myself, and i'm looking forward to the future and seeing what it holds for me.
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